DARK ROAST AND MAGIC

 

   It’s 2 AM, and my cup is full - not with coffee but with blessings (the java was consumed five hours earlier while driving home from a concert). I had just slowly awakened to the song - “The Rebel Jesus” by Jackson Browne. It was running through my head but I was stuck on the first line: “The streets are filled with laughter and light and the music of the season,” but I couldn’t remember the word laughter.  In my half-sleep, I kept wanting to insert the word Magic.

    Back to last night - with my precious granddaughter on my lap, and my wife Emily & daughter Vera to my left side, we are watching my nine year old grandson, Nathan*, on a Christmas stage with fifty other kids. They are  singing their hearts out. “Nathan” is not, and probably never will.  He’s on the non-verbal “end” of the autism spectrum if there is one.  We watch as he smiles and makes a slow turn to check out the voices behind him. Then, with his hand on his butt, he checks out the singers on the other side. The clarity & beauty of voices surrounding him almost hurts, but it’s therapeutic.

( *Nathan is not his real name)

     As my wife dries her eyes, I see my daughter's loving arm wrap around her shoulder, and I silently pray. I’m praying, not for him to sing, but merely for a sign that he can in some way connect with those kids that are having silly fun all around him.  Nathan turns again and I realize his pivot point hasn’t changed in over five minutes and that’s amazing progress for him.  As the third song ends, the crowd goes wild and Nathan joyfully claps.  My daughter comforts her mom with a smile, adding - “he's having a blast” - and it’s true.

     We make our way to their van and then back to their house. Nathan runs into the dark to his frost-covered swing.  Ten minutes later he joins us for a parting hug as we head out the back door.  My bride and I walk slowly to the car parked out front.  As I get in, I notice silhouettes.  Nathan and Vera are watching us from the front picture window.  I wave like I have dozens of times over the years.  I see Vera point to us as she waves.  And for the first time ever, my much loved grandson waves back!   

       Is it any wonder that I can’t sleep and can only think of the word Magic?

Sometimes it Sucks Being an Empath!

     Yesterday I ran into an old acquaintance/ friend.  It's probably been 15 years since I've communicated with him and I was kind of caught off guard when he asked - - "How have you been doing?"  Not having an hour to answer, I gave the usual "I'm fine... how bout you". I did not mention that personally I am doing great with abundant food, a warm home, steady income, lots of love etc.. He told me about a couple serious health problems he'd been working through and I offered him my two cents as his former healthcare provider.
     I could tell from the Facebook posts I'd previously seen that he sees the world through a different set of filters than I do. Most of his posts revolve around the difference between"us" the people who think and look like him and those that don't. How can a person tell another that they can't buy into the working narrative that we're fundamentally different.
     My daughter is struggling with the challenges of having a full time job which stretches through days and into nights while she's caring for two young children - one a special needs child.  My wife flew out west yesterday to help her for a week - and I'm feeling a bit guilty for hanging back here in New York where I do volunteer work with the disabled - including veterans and the children of strangers.  Though my daughter and her pre-schoolers are clearly my family, things get complicated when I try to discern where my family ends and someone else's begins.  I've never been good at that.

                                                                   

     A couple years ago I came across a quote to the effect - "a parent's never happier than their least happy child".  What does one do if they can't draw a simple, arbitrary line between their biological children and others.  Somebody tell me how in 2019 I am supposed to answer  - "so how are you", when so many children and their parents are hurting so immeasurably?