Stepping Back to Get A Better Shot at Moving Forward

 

Periodically, I find myself immersed in a conversation with a friend or acquaintance when I notice two different types of subtle changes in their demeanor. The first may be the wobbling of their upper body with closed eyes and almost a snoring sound. I take this to be a good sign - that maybe I have a soothing voice. There’s another pattern I’ve noticed - maybe the twitching of their eyes, a little foam leaking between pursed lips or clenched fists pounding on hard surfaces near my head. I’m a pretty perceptive guy so when I see either of these patterns, I have this little timer that goes off in my head - and within say 10 minutes I automatically shut off my efforts at enlightening them. ONE DAY I LEARNED THAT ALL MY FRIENDS AREN’T ALIKE!

 George is one of my best chums here in our small mid-western town. He is very active in local causes that help the poor and the disadvantaged - he’s a good guy. We go to the same UCC. For the un-anointed that stands for “The United Church of Christ”.  I’m at least intrigued by the less traditional interpretation - Unitarians Considering Christianity. But I digress.

We both enjoy things like tinkering with and riding our motorcycles, though his is a Harley Road Glide  and mine is a Kawasaki Z 900 RS - quite different though fundamentally the same. He’s helped me attach the wings on the ultralight airplane I was building. We do occasional bacon and eggs at the local diner but mainly just appreciate shooting the breeze. Speaking of shooting, we’re both gun owners who would never support nixing the Second Amendment. However, he worked for decades as an FBI agent, and I’ve worked for decades as a Physician Assistant doing a lot of ER shifts. I’ve worked in a couple of refugee camps. We’ve both seen first hand what bullets can do and yet we have widely different views on gun safety . . . and a few other hot button topics.

A few months ago we were having a nice, low-key discussion at a town park during a festival. Then the exchange of ideas drifted toward something political. Over the course of less than fifteen minutes, it became progressively more heated until all of a sudden George threw up his hands signaling - “TIME OUT”. . . I’m really not used to that! He then followed up with - “ I value our friendship too much to continue this conversation.” With minimal reflection, I not only agreed but especially appreciated his mentally stepping back and establishing boundaries. This was a most valuable lesson for me.

Every conversation or transaction that we partake in has potential risks, benefits, and opportunity costs. We each have the option of grabbing the steering wheel when we see falling “rocks” up ahead. How would things be different if every time we witnessed an interaction going sour, we merely stepped back and asked - “What’s the most important thing to take away from this moment?  

Boundaries Are Good

  “Good Fences Make Good Neighbors” - Robert Frost

    

     Wayne is one of my best friends here in our small mid-west town and we have much in common. He is very active in local causes that help the poor and disadvantaged.  Like me, he’s done a considerable amount of volunteer work outside our country as well.  We go to the same UCC church. We’ve enjoyed working together doing things like mounting the wings on my ultralight, or just plain shooting the breeze over crisp bacon and eggs.  Speaking of shooting, we’re both gun owners who would never support taking away the second amendment.  However, he’s worked for twenty plus years as an FBI agent and I’ve worked for 35 years as a physician assistant.  I’ve spent thousands of hours in emergency and operating rooms and others in two camps for war refugees.  We’ve both seen first hand what bullets can do and yet we have widely different views on gun violence … and a few other hot button topics.

     

     Well one fine day, George and I were having a nice, low key discussion and it drifted toward something political.  Over the course of ten minutes it became progressively more heated and he put up his hands signaling - “Time Out”.  I’m frankly not used to that.  He then followed up with - ”I value our friendship way too much to continue this conversation.” With minimal reflection, I not only agreed but especially appreciated his mentally stepping back and establishing boundaries.  This was a most valuable lesson for me.

     

     Every conversation or transaction I partake in has risks, benefits, and opportunity costs.  I have the option of taking the driver’s seat when I see boulders ahead.  How would things be different if every time I witnessed an interaction going sour, I merely stepped back and interjected the thought or words  - What’s the most important thing to take away from this moment?”