Boundaries Are Good

  “Good Fences Make Good Neighbors” - Robert Frost

    

     Wayne is one of my best friends here in our small mid-west town and we have much in common. He is very active in local causes that help the poor and disadvantaged.  Like me, he’s done a considerable amount of volunteer work outside our country as well.  We go to the same UCC church. We’ve enjoyed working together doing things like mounting the wings on my ultralight, or just plain shooting the breeze over crisp bacon and eggs.  Speaking of shooting, we’re both gun owners who would never support taking away the second amendment.  However, he’s worked for twenty plus years as an FBI agent and I’ve worked for 35 years as a physician assistant.  I’ve spent thousands of hours in emergency and operating rooms and others in two camps for war refugees.  We’ve both seen first hand what bullets can do and yet we have widely different views on gun violence … and a few other hot button topics.

     

     Well one fine day, George and I were having a nice, low key discussion and it drifted toward something political.  Over the course of ten minutes it became progressively more heated and he put up his hands signaling - “Time Out”.  I’m frankly not used to that.  He then followed up with - ”I value our friendship way too much to continue this conversation.” With minimal reflection, I not only agreed but especially appreciated his mentally stepping back and establishing boundaries.  This was a most valuable lesson for me.

     

     Every conversation or transaction I partake in has risks, benefits, and opportunity costs.  I have the option of taking the driver’s seat when I see boulders ahead.  How would things be different if every time I witnessed an interaction going sour, I merely stepped back and interjected the thought or words  - What’s the most important thing to take away from this moment?”

The Other Side of Karma -

  

Lots of we commoners who have trudged, floated or cruised many laps around the sun have learned that there’s some truth to - “What goes around, comes around.”  If we’re paying attention, we don’t have to look too hard to find examples in our own lives.

    

Well, last week I was!  It was a beautiful, crisp morning at the therapeutic riding stable where I volunteer.  The sun was making its way up over the paddock pen and was reflecting off the tops of the frozen horse buns. I was chipping away at the tundra when I noticed a beautiful rose gray-colored mare admiring my handiwork. In an instant I was transported back to one of my first real jobs - scooping out dog pens at my Uncle Bill’s German Shepherd kennel.  Back in the day, I would fill maybe a garden bucket with malodorous crap. However, I got paid in real cash and at the end of the day if I was lucky, I would get to have a Rolling Rock beer with that fine though complex man. He was after all, the doctor who would inspire me to take the convoluted road toward a career in medicine.  

     

I got to thinking - I wish I could have told that teenager - “Hang in there, You have no concept of the heights to which you’ll climb.  Someday, after you’ve spent thousands of dollars and many years learning your trade, you’ll work your way up to this day November 22, 2022  when you’ll be dumping an entire wheel-barrel full of horse manure into a compost pile - AND LOVIN’ IT .

Just A Small Stretch of the Imagination

  

“We appeal as human beings to human beings;

           remember your humanity 

               and forget the rest.”    - Albert Einstein

     This past Sunday, a cold, destitute, homeless man

named “Richard” wandered into our church. The public library

was closed and escaping the single digit temps outside

made perfect sense.

     While we gathered around the social hall table - he took

In one hot cup of coffee and let out three napkins full

of regrets. His story was patchy, sad, and discombobulated.

However, with surprisingly little effort, I was able to imagine

myself in his well-worn shoes had I not had so much support

from my very imperfect family, friends - - - and the random 

kindnesses and decency of everyday people.

     Examples of these wonderful human encounters will be 

introduced in some of my subsequent posts - Please stay tuned.

https://www.janery.com/blogs/news/9-ways-to-help-the-homeless-this-winter

Giving Thanks - But For What?

 

      As the gray hairs replace those that were so recently brown but originally red, I’ve noticed that what I value has changed.  Sure, there are the usual - family, friends, and stuff.  Then there are the things like freedom and good health - which I’m not so quick to take for granted. Then there are personal gifts I’ve been blessed with.  All of these are still very important.

     At one point, I thrived on, and looked forward to, big family get-togethers, traveling, and all kinds of new experiences - I still do.  But good friends and my parents have moved on to greener pastures and perspectives change.

     Nowadays, I’m more inclined to savor time with individual people, and those random encounters with beauty or kindness.  And then there are moments of sheer joy as I connect with those closest to me - like holding my granddaughter’s hand and watching my grandson’s beaming smile as we watch the end of the movie “Lyle, Lyle the Crocodile” - and Lyle SINGS!

     Some of my greatest gifts these days are simply moments for which

I am eternally grateful. 

"Only a fool learns from their own mistakes...

                                

     

                                   

                                    ...The wise man learns from the mistakes of others".

                                                                     Otto von Bismarck

                                                                    

     These days, it is especially poignant that we at least learn from our own.

    Six years ago,  few would have fretted over the thought of Roe vs Wade being overturned after decades of established precedent. All it took was three Supreme Court candidates lying while under oath to accomplish just that. Though abortion is an extremely complex and emotionally laden issue, more and more state legislators think otherwise and are working to completely ban all abortions.  Ironically multiple polls show that roughly 75% of Americans believe abortion should be legal during the first trimester if that pregnancy either places the mother's life in jeopardy or is the result of rape or incest.

     In 2022 an amazing 157 out of 211 House Republicans consider dismantling Social Security and Medicare as core tenants of their proposed budgets if they take the majority of the House after midterms.  Most Americans have contributed to these funds their entire working life.  And most use it as their main source of income as they retire.   Lots of complacent folk feel we shouldn't get all worked up - "the Republicans would never take away those programs".

     Please remember Otto

                           

What Would Bill Do?

     Many of us are blessed to have wise friends or mentors that keep 

us grounded - or at least try to do so.  They're fortresses in the midst

of chaos.  Yesterday, I could have used one.

    My bride and I had two separate disagreements that devolved into 

arguments which by nightfall were upgraded to Class 3 hurricanes with 

crushed spirits and remorse but no apologies .  The latter was uncommon

for us.  After a poor night of sleep  and lots of reflection, I realized my 

old friend Bill could have rescued us.  He would have listened very 

attentively.  Then he would have let out a long "Hmmm" followed by 

something simple like - "From what I've heard, it seems like each of you 

were mostly right." Then he would have asked a simple but thoroughly 

annoying question such as - "Did I just hear correctly that you both had 

major spats with your best friend over five minutes of waiting,  and one 

brief scene in a movie?" 

    As I stepped back  I would have realized he was right....  and then 

recognized that the proverbial slugfest we had endured, had way more 

to do with the particularly challenging stuff we were living through than

any wrongs committed by either of us.

     Sometimes it's even healthy to pretend that we have a wise friend to

bounce thoughts off of - some of their wisdom might still be with us,

even if they're not.

     

   

"You're Not Listening"

           

    Imagine that you were born into a conservative family in a conservative town, taught by many teachers who had rarely traveled more than 50 miles from home. Imagine hearing war stories from four out of five male family members and then watching a brother go off to Vietnam with the Marines.  Then imagine you became a 17 yo private pilot only to have your dreams of flying in the USAF crushed because of a pair of glasses.

    

     That was me, but my second dream was to become a doctor.  Instead of following in my father's and brother's footsteps, I became the black sheep of the family and went off to a liberal arts college for my undergrad education. To make matters worse for family relations, I learned to ANALYSE and QUESTION.  I had to read twenty books for one mandatory class the first term and learned that few things are as simple as they seem, and that truth often lies in the details.   

   

     Fast forward to 2022.  I'm frequently tempted to demean, if not despise, gullible people who believe anything and then pass on emotionally laden lies as fact.  However, if I had had perfect vision in high school, I could have easily become one of "them" - immersing myself in the same fear-mongering, anger provoking news and social media that so many well- intentioned people are addicted to.  Our own experiences, insight, intelligence, education, family, and local culture effect how we think, yet most of these aren't earned. Fellow Americans have different filters, but they are not our enemies, regardless of the pressure to believe so. Our challenge is to truly listen* to their concerns, and maybe dislodge the filter or two that are blinding them (or us) to reality. This is admittedly a difficult task, but our country's future is worth the effort.

   A wonderful book to help prime the pump is:

               "You're Not Listening" by Kate Murphy

     

 

Children Depend on US

      Up until recently, only a handful of depraved Americans would have ever 

argued that an individual's right to own anything was more sacred than the right

to life itself - especially that of our children. 

     

  Our Constitution features: "Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness." 

These were considered unalienable rights  to be given by God and  protected 

by our new government. The second amendment  was an add-on, just like the 

other twenty-six. It was never meant to be a guiding principle for our country 

or the foundation for a twenty billion dollar gun industry.

    

Custom coffins for children by Trey Ganem

    

  Throughout our history, there have always been those who have looked the 

other way or even rationalized the suffering of groups of people different 

than themselves.  However, when any agenda becomes more important than 

our most basic instinct to protect young children, we've crossed a pathetic 

threshold. When our most precious citizens are massacred and the best our 

elected leaders can do is political posturing, we're witnessing the demise of 

our society. Mowing down young kids is only the tip of the iceberg, but if 

that preventable horror can't stir us to action, what can?

  Our survival demands genuine leaders who are more concerned with the safety 

and welfare of all Americans, than with stirring up their base to get more votes 

and power. And lest we not see it, guns are all about power, especially to those 

who feel powerless. No single leader can fix very complex societal problems 

on their own. However, a true servant of the people would be reaching across 

any aisle to develop policies that would decrease this plague of violence. We 

need servants of the people, not disciples of the gun lobby and the NRA. 

   Please elect leaders who prioritize the welfare of our children.

           They Depend on US!

    

The Opposite of Being Poor , is Having Enough .

     

    It's fair to say that there are countless ideas of what the words "poor" and "enough" mean.  I'm reminded of  the late Supreme Court Justice Potter  Steward when trying to define "pornography".  He famously said something like - "I'll know it when I see it".  

     Images and hot button topics quickly come to mind when we think of "poverty" - maybe news coverage from Africa or the slums in your nearest city, food stamps, the homeless guy with the cup or the child depending on school lunches for her daily nutrition.  

     How about the word "enough"?  That's a tough one because so few of us ponder what that actually is. Wealth and "enough" are rarely considered synonyms.  I've met and worked with lots of people who, by all appearances, were dirt poor.  Whether it was in Ethiopia, or all across the USA, sprinkled among these common folk were those who had enough.  Just enough food, shelter, faith, companionship, love,  peace of mind,  and sense of purpose.  They were an inspiring lot.

     On most days I really believe I have enough.  The older I get however, the more I lose sleep over two groups - those who truly don't have enough and those who will never think they have enough.

 

Time to Change the Conversation

                         

     Here in the United States our survival as a democracy is in serious jeopardy.  Fear, anger, and a sense of despair have enveloped our collective psyche.  We're directionless and no single human being can steer us out of this mess.  The best that we can hope for, is that a CRITICAL MASS of  Americans would work together to change our country's trajectory.  Kind of like putting "The Hundredth Monkey" principles that author Ken Keyes,  described - into action.

     Every citizen can point a blaming finger at someone else or some group.  It's quite easy and common to offer up overly simple solutions to very complex problems.  Band-aids have replaced the difficult work of identifying root causes of national crises.  We would much prefer to demonize and theorize than actually strategize - especially with those we're told are our enemies.  Mainstream media ratings and profits seem to be directly linked to the perpetuation of the "us and them" myth. 

     HOWEVER -  the last time I checked we are still -The UNITED States of America - and it is our duty to see that it stays that way. Anyone who has seriously pledged their allegiance to our flag has also vowed to support "...one nation under God, INDIVISIBLE with liberty and justice for all".   Social media and many news outlets have focused on that which divides at OUR expense whether or not we realize it.

      The status quo hasn't been working for everyday Americans.  Please note -dividing us is a tool that concentrates wealth and power - and guess who's been winning?

     Those who recognize that our country's problems are way bigger than politics and name calling, can take active parts in this dialog.  It's an enormous challenge but then again so is keeping a spirit of hope for our country in 2022.  Healing can't start until self-injury stops.

     To paraphrase Yogi Berra -

If you don't know where

    you want to go,

         You're not likely to get there.

     The path our nation has taken isn't sustainable.  I challenge YOU to share your DREAMS FOR AMERICA. 

     Let's start the conversation.

How would your America look different in 2035?

     

Chasing Our Higher Self

     

     Virtually every day we make choices.  A significant portion of these affect the direction our entire day or even future goes. Should I watch an extra ten minutes of news, start a wood-working project, watch some screen, or shine some light into a dark place?  We all make these types of choices and some of us struggle periodically as we make them.

     If we follow the trends perpetuated by swarms of highly vocal people, life could become simpler.  Do you repeat to yourself daily - "Whatever makes my life better is all that matters?"  We've all been there at times, but it seems that some people reside there.  Life might seem easier when we focus on ourselves, or even our tribe, but is it actually better?  As we focus on ourselves, it's only natural to think about what others have.... and is it at our expense?  This obviously makes us angry and fear-filled as we recognize we could lose even more to those outside our tribe.  (If only I could start a "News" network that could weaponize and monetize this fear-mongering.  I'd be rich or become president!  But I digress.) 

     In the early 1960's President John F. Kennedy was best known for his challenge to Americans: "Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country."  Over the next twenty years that morphed into Ronald Reagan's re-election campaign slogan: "Are you better off than four years ago?"  Fast forward to 2022,  we've lost all but a remnant of JFK's ideals.  Almost half the country is obsessed with personal freedoms, with complete disregard for the welfare of the most vulnerable in our midst.  As millions whine about losing their freedoms, on February 8th alone,  more Americans died from Covid complications  than from the terrorists attack on 9/11.  We fought two extremely long, bloody wars to make sure we'd  never have another attack like that and yet, nowadays many just callously accept thousands of needless deaths daily.  It's almost like a powerful voice is yelling: "Whine, whine and whine some more because you're being treated unfairly.   Nothing should trump YOUR freedoms."  

     Another 2300 Americans lost their lives yesterday.  Tiny acts of altruism would halve that number in six weeks, if we collectively chose to follow our higher selves.

A Hundred A Day - by Mark VL

 

   Her picture sets, upon my dresser.

          I can't look long, for my eyes overflow.

      I see Mom's mask, I know there's love there 

          but somehow the pain it never showed.

     I never knew the man she called "Dad".

          Word was he died, from some strange accident.

     But in Mom's last days, she said they'd argued -

                and that fight and that bottle were his last.

                      

                      WE never knew, the weight of guilt she carried

                             along with the armor of denial -

                      Mixed with the gin and the pills and such sadness

                              From fighting her personal war.

I read the papers - I see the obits,

     another young life lost "unexpectedly at home"

In our "Our Great Country", another hundred perish - every day,

     And so all alone.

                     Where is our outrage , what are we doing?

                           We're not even touching the sources of  pain.

                    Where are our hearts?  Our neighbors are dying

                           all we do is deny and blame.

The settings change, the anguish doesn't

     causes are many, complex beyond one stance.

To move the needle, we need conviction - 

     all our minds and resources not some trance.

               Where is our outrage, what are we doing?

                     If this were a war, we'd give it our best.

              We'd throw all our money, our best talents, spend our futures

                           no compromise, no rest.

I read the papers, I see the obits.  

           another young life - lost unexpectedly at home......

     

Trump Deserves Credit - He HAS Changed America

 

         

  FUN-LOVING AMERICAN TOURISTS VISITING THEIR CAPITAL

         Six years ago if an American presidential candidate was recorded saying he liked to grab women by their private parts, he would have immediately become a non-candidate.   

     Six years ago, anyone who made fun of people with disabilities was considered despicable.

     Six years ago, men like John McCain were considered heroes by virtually all Americans, except draft dodgers and avowed communists.

     Six years ago if any American leader said they trusted the words of a dictator over those of our own intelligence department, they would have been ousted.

     Six years ago Americans never labeled news from serious journalistic organizations as fake just because they didn't like it.  Educated people respected the expertise and objectivity of professionals, while acknowledging that there could be bad apples in some baskets.  Most people would have discouraged throwing away entire baskets without exhaustive research from knowledgeable sources.

     Six years ago if a politician had publicly announced dozens of times that he would release his tax returns as soon as possible, he would have lost all credibility if he spent many years and millions preventing their release.

     Six years ago politicians respected colleagues in their own party. No honorable person would ever blatantly threaten anyone.  No president ever ostracized those that didn't walk lock-step in line with them.  "Primarying someone" to discourage dissent wasn't a thing. No entire political party ever cowered in fear.

     Six years ago if  99 percent of  bipartisan polling places and the president's own Attorney General and his top election cyber-security guy all said he lost the election he would have offered a concession speech - not an attempted coup.

The BIG CLEANSE!

     Being of a certain age,  enables a person of means to undergo interesting experiences.  For example, the character-building process of preparing for a colonoscopy to rule out any pre-cancerous colon lesions.  Without going into unsavory details, let me just say there needs to be a thorough cleaning of the entire GI tract.   

     Let's, just for fun, pretend that I had to have such a test and that I was lamenting the whole process of fasting and then the grand flush.  Imagine that I was being just a little irritated that people would eat in front of me when I could have nothing.

     Then imagine that in the middle of this I got a letter from the International Rescue Committee requesting money for the many millions of refugees around the world who are living in dangerous and unfathomable conditions.  Things like clean drinking water, sanitation, adequate food, shelter, and healthcare are commodities that millions of people can only dream of - and diarrheal diseases in these crowded camps can kill hundreds of people per day.  And it's mainly children!  

     Every five years I get to wake up to what many people live with year round.

Virtues - Long Lost?

     When a wise person speaks against their own self-interest, listen to them.  Within their words lie things like altruism, courage, truth and

                                                         even HOPE.

      When a fool speaks - all bets are off.