Is it Fair for us to Assign an Identity to Someone Else?

I was minding my own business yesterday, leafing through Facebook, when I came across a post from a FB friend - I’ll call him Joe. He was an acquaintance from the YMCA where my wife and I exercised years ago. We’d spoken maybe half a dozen times, over as many years and he’s certainly not an introvert. He did not keep his political beliefs or sexual orientation to himself then, nor does he today. Joe seems reasonably smart and I just discovered he’s the current editor of a publication addressing diversity - certainly a worthwhile cause.

In yesterday’s FB post he really vented about an obviously gay dude who surprised him by sending a meme in support of a former president who’s not known for being supportive of minority groups. To my knowledge, Joe knew nothing about this stranger other than his sexual and political orientations, yet he seemed proud of how he blasted this new adversary. He threw as many nasty names and insults as he could, and then unfriended him. Boy that must have hurt. I’m sure the exchange dramatically changed the guy’s political trajectory! I Jest.

Although I’m no fan of the former president and have my guesses as to what Joe was angry about, I was particularly struck by HIS blanket disdain for anyone, based solely on one thing that he didn’t like or understand. Imagine that!

After seeing his rant, I did a little fact-checking about our former president and the LGBTQ cause. It is NOT as black and white as I thought it would be. The HUGE problem is that “News” networks like Fox , MSNBC and CNN rarely report news that doesn’t fit their agenda and groomed audiences. Anything worthwhile that Trump actually did do regarding the LGBTQ community would have at best been aired on Fox, but even that’s unlikely considering the subject matter.

Why such anger?

My suspicion is that Joe had pre-emptively put his FB “friend” in a nice neat box. But then he discovered that his “friend” had the gall to sneak outside that box. Joe’s world revolves around his identity as defender of diversity, but it’s possible that his FB enemy doesn’t live there. Maybe he just visits the issues of homosexuality or diversity as necessary. His FB enemy was a unique individual, just like all the rest of us.

People are enormously complex and make their choices for a whole host of different reasons. When we know very little about someone, we’re almost coerced into trying to make connections between their actions and the identity that we have unknowingly assigned to them. But sometimes, we don’t see the dots.

Labels - Can't Live With 'em, Can't Live Without 'em

(Photo by Nathan Dumlao)

What’s the one thing that all of the following have in common - beyond the fact that they’re all labels?

High-achiever, moron, quitter, republican, racist, druggie, mean bastard, entrepreneur, democrat, athlete, failure, hero, janitor, optimist, imbecile, angry white guy with a weapon, homeless loser. Anyone who immediately goes to the comment icon and contributes their guesses, will get a FREE virtual hug, handshake or high five from an unknown author. If you also answer correctly, you’re the grand-prize winner and will get all three.

Before I give you the answer, let me just say that I’ve always struggled with the concept of labels, in part because I’ve often been on the receiving end of too many. Who knows, the buried psychological trauma from being called “Spaghetti Arms” throughout junior high, might be the underlying reason for me writing this post. I do jest and recognize that labels negatively effect all of us. To many, it’s far from a joking matter.

Just recently I figured out another reason why I personally detest “labels.” Their sole purpose in life is to provide a mechanism for us to file away people and things into nice, neat categories. Well, I really dislike filing anything. I prioritize being neat right up there with cleaning the hairballs out of our vacuum, and I’m not sure what the word “organized” actually means. But I digress.

To answer my opening question, ALL of the italicized labels above have been or are ...

     This is an excerpt from my new and improved blog / newsletter - "Us AND Them" and is continued at

https://markvanlaeys.substack.com/

Stepping Back to Get A Better Shot at Moving Forward

 

Periodically, I find myself immersed in a conversation with a friend or acquaintance when I notice two different types of subtle changes in their demeanor. The first may be the wobbling of their upper body with closed eyes and almost a snoring sound. I take this to be a good sign - that maybe I have a soothing voice. There’s another pattern I’ve noticed - maybe the twitching of their eyes, a little foam leaking between pursed lips or clenched fists pounding on hard surfaces near my head. I’m a pretty perceptive guy so when I see either of these patterns, I have this little timer that goes off in my head - and within say 10 minutes I automatically shut off my efforts at enlightening them. ONE DAY I LEARNED THAT ALL MY FRIENDS AREN’T ALIKE!

 George is one of my best chums here in our small mid-western town. He is very active in local causes that help the poor and the disadvantaged - he’s a good guy. We go to the same UCC. For the un-anointed that stands for “The United Church of Christ”.  I’m at least intrigued by the less traditional interpretation - Unitarians Considering Christianity. But I digress.

We both enjoy things like tinkering with and riding our motorcycles, though his is a Harley Road Glide  and mine is a Kawasaki Z 900 RS - quite different though fundamentally the same. He’s helped me attach the wings on the ultralight airplane I was building. We do occasional bacon and eggs at the local diner but mainly just appreciate shooting the breeze. Speaking of shooting, we’re both gun owners who would never support nixing the Second Amendment. However, he worked for decades as an FBI agent, and I’ve worked for decades as a Physician Assistant doing a lot of ER shifts. I’ve worked in a couple of refugee camps. We’ve both seen first hand what bullets can do and yet we have widely different views on gun safety . . . and a few other hot button topics.

A few months ago we were having a nice, low-key discussion at a town park during a festival. Then the exchange of ideas drifted toward something political. Over the course of less than fifteen minutes, it became progressively more heated until all of a sudden George threw up his hands signaling - “TIME OUT”. . . I’m really not used to that! He then followed up with - “ I value our friendship too much to continue this conversation.” With minimal reflection, I not only agreed but especially appreciated his mentally stepping back and establishing boundaries. This was a most valuable lesson for me.

Every conversation or transaction that we partake in has potential risks, benefits, and opportunity costs. We each have the option of grabbing the steering wheel when we see falling “rocks” up ahead. How would things be different if every time we witnessed an interaction going sour, we merely stepped back and asked - “What’s the most important thing to take away from this moment?  

If We Can't Hit The Notes, Harmonize

       

        

Each of us got to wake up this morning, at some

specific point, on the ride of our lives. We're hurtling

through space at 67,000 miles an hour, riding a

spectacular blue and green planet unlike any other -

it is teaming with life. And to make matters extra inter-

esting, none of us knows exactly when our trip will end. 

    Please hold up one second and let that settle in! 

     On this journey, we are so much more alike than 

different.  However, we are still not the same - any

more than the instruments of an orchestra. 

     

    As I try to grow through my mid-life crisis, I’m

realizing that my biggest challenge shouldn’t be to

join in with the disparate voices around me. I’ve learned

that, with all of our different roots and experiences, we

just can’t hit the same notes. The purpose of our “RIDE”

together might be to discover the best way to

HARMONIZE with an ever enlarging family of fellow

travelers and this amazing earth.

     In order to better harmonize, it really helps to first 

understand why the voices around us seem so different. 

And that’s a large part of what my blog is about.  Please 

join me in this discussion - EVERY VOICE COUNTS

     Comments and “Shares” are greatly appreciated !

Why am I here?

                                           

      

      I've been blessed with a number of days where 

the answer was not only suggested, but placed right 

in my hands.  One of the more dramatic experiences 

happened when I was working as a relatively new 

ER physician assistant in Upstate NY.  As I was 

charting on one patient, I heard over the hospital speakers:

"CODE BLUE - Radiology."  As I stood up, I saw an 

X-Ray tech running down the hall toward us.  Drooped 

over his arm was a completely lifeless two-week-old 

baby boy!  I tipped his head back, but still no breath, 

no pulse, no heart sounds. I started thumb compressions

as the ER doctor located a newborn-sized face mask.  

With my hands squeezing his tiny chest, that little

guy not only came back to life, but let out a glorious 

wail!  And that day I knew why I was here. 

     As with a large portion of people who work hard 

every day in their chosen field, my job had morphed 

into more of a grind. I spent most days just running 

to put out simultaneous brushfires. In the back of my

mind I always knew that it was usually a significant 

event that brought our patients to the ER.  But this 

one little boy woke ME up!

     Some special days we're just blessed with an 

opportunity to make a tangible difference in someone's 

life.   First responders, teachers, scientists, plumbers, 

and even politicians* may benefit others all day long, 

but the best of them just do their fine work noiselessly,

making the world a better place, and that's  A GREAT 

REASON TO BE HERE !

*Counselors, electricians, parents, laborers, waitresses, &

CPR instructors, etc.  - you get the idea. 

Resets Are Merely An Option

   

     "Nightbirde",  an inspiring Singer-Song-writer & winner of America's 

Got Talent.  December 31, 1990 - February 19, 2022

     What do kindergartners, NFL quarterbacks, and the conductor of 

the London Philharmonic Orchestra have in common?

                            They all get  TIME OUTS !

     Be it naptime, commercial breaks, or the pause between movements in

a symphony, these are all well acknowledged opportunities to step back and 

reset.

     January first of each year is an opportunity to not only turn the page of a 

calendar but to replace the whole thing!  It could be a big flippin' deal -at

least symbolically (and punetically).  We get to reflect on where we've been, 

where we are and where we'd like to go.  For some, that's admittedly and 

unfortunately a sad look, but attitudinal adjustments can be life-altering.  

      To quote  Nightbirde  *,  (Jane Marczewski)

"You can't wait until life isn't hard anymore until you decide to be happy".

These are words I need to repeat to myself every day.

* link to a performance that showcases her amazing talent and beautiful heart.